Post by johnmwhite on Sept 12, 2010 11:48:18 GMT -5
Please press play...
John Michael White: Welcome to the Daily Show! I'm your host, Jon Stew... uh, John Michael White, and we've got a great show for you tonight, coming live from a little studio buried somewhere in the StarMaker arena. Hey, remember when wrestling shows were taped studios and were just random matches without context and the audience didn't pay to get in? You guys will see it here tonight, we're going to just take fifteen minute breaks after every segment for no real reason. Yeah... studio recordings don't exactly lend themselves well to having total, nonstop action...
Crowd: Hahahaha!
John Michael White: So glad you guys sound better than the canned laughter the producers wanted to use. Anyway to kick things off, we saw some huge goings down at Stampede... actually I saw it twice.
John Michael White: Nothing like a concussion for giving you double vision. Thanks, Ashlyn... So in the main event of Stampede, Thomas Dreamer faced Aaron [beep]ing Holiday for the REW World Championship, vacated by Lil Money as he takes care of some personal issues. And Dreamer won!
John Michael White: It's so good to see such an upstanding, honest referee laying down the law... and it's someone who actually knows the law and is willing to call a spade a spade and a DQ a DQ. And no, I'm not talking about [beep]ing Dairy Queen!
Crowd: Hahahaha!
John Michael White: So there we had it, Dreamer was the new World Champion, thanks mostly to Holiday's own hubris, and the minor technicality that bashing people with baseball bats isn't really kosher in the regular wrestling environment. Then, despite just being allegedly robbed, which he really wasn't, and I wish Allyson would shut up about it... we had this...
John Michael White: So Holiday wanted in the club like Posh always wanted in the Icelandic Phallalogical Museum. That's British English for 'penis'.
John Michael White: So after this there was a little war of words between Holiday and Dreamer and the match restarted, with Chase Evans taking over the refereeing duties and being no where near as good as the previous guy. Then some asshat accidentally blasted Dreamer in the face with a fireball, but we don't have a clip of that due to its graphic nature.
John Michael White: I thought I told you to erase that tape, Bruce!
Voice: Uh, you're back on.
John Michael White: Oh... Of course, Dreamer was in no condition to perform after that little mishap, but before Holiday could take full advantage, the proceedings were rather rudely interrupted.
John Michael White: And the surprises were still coming...
John Michael White: Oh [beep]. It's him! It's Dozer! The mighty, the wonderful, the superlative Dozer! The greatest thing since sliced bread, the Defender of the Faith, the Vicar of Christ, DOZER! He's so faaaaaabulous!
John Michael White: Dozer and York did what all returning heroes do - clean house. And when York was finishing having his way with a man who was coming to the end of his second violent match of the evening, he dumped Holiday onto Dreamer, letting Evans make the count. I'm surprised he managed to reach three, personally, but he did it, and Aaron [beep]ing Holiday was our new REW World Champion. But not for long...
John Michael White: Indeed, what a turn of events. Who would have thought Dozer would be involved in an obnoxious, senseless beat down?
John Michael White: Shenanigans were running wild this week at Stampede, and so far the administration hasn't seen fit to weigh on the controversy. I, for one, am shocked. But the reality of the situation is that Chris York left Stampede with the World Championship and a new Best Friend...
Crowd: Awww...
John Michael White: I know, isn't it sweet? So these two left, hand in hand, into an uninspiring sunset with a gold bat and a gold belt. Three other men in that main event left battered and bloody. Almost as if they had been stampeded over. Marketing department, you're welcome. Now, retribution, one can only imagine, will be coming in this vicious cycle we call the wrestling world.
John Michael White: Well that's it for today's show, join us tomorrow when our guest will be the philosophical Jacques Fureau! Now here it is, your moment of zen.
--The music strikes up, the crowd whoops, and to the heavy beat of important-sounding rock cameras pan and cut across the studio. Lights flash, hands clap, and the artificial joy that is a studio audience is electric in the air. From the shadows behind a desk a smooth domed figure emerges - John Michael White appears in the now glaring spotlight. He twirls his pen, adjusts his purple sports coat, and speaks with a smirk barely contained on his lips as the crowd settle down.--
John Michael White: Welcome to the Daily Show! I'm your host, Jon Stew... uh, John Michael White, and we've got a great show for you tonight, coming live from a little studio buried somewhere in the StarMaker arena. Hey, remember when wrestling shows were taped studios and were just random matches without context and the audience didn't pay to get in? You guys will see it here tonight, we're going to just take fifteen minute breaks after every segment for no real reason. Yeah... studio recordings don't exactly lend themselves well to having total, nonstop action...
Crowd: Hahahaha!
John Michael White: So glad you guys sound better than the canned laughter the producers wanted to use. Anyway to kick things off, we saw some huge goings down at Stampede... actually I saw it twice.
--JMW turns a little, pointing to a heavy bandage taped to the back of his head. The off-white gauze is stained brownish from blood still seeping from his wound.--
John Michael White: Nothing like a concussion for giving you double vision. Thanks, Ashlyn... So in the main event of Stampede, Thomas Dreamer faced Aaron [beep]ing Holiday for the REW World Championship, vacated by Lil Money as he takes care of some personal issues. And Dreamer won!
The lawyer puffs on his cigar, sitting up in the corner of the ring, and has his sterling silver microphone in hand.--
John Michael White: Hey Mister Holiday!
--Aaron and his wench turn, grinning from ear to ear, pleased that they have won the day and shown up their opponents. And that's what this game is all about - making the other guy look bad. JMW waves his arm, his black-and-white striped sleeve wagging loose about his bicep. The bell rings.--
John Michael White: Guess what?
Aaron Holiday: What?
John Michael White: The winner of the match... as a result of a disqualification...
Aaron Holiday: What?!
John Michael White: And, by ruling of the referee, since the title was vacant, the NEW R.E.W. World Champion...
Aaron Holiday: WHAT?!
--Dreamer hauls himself up using the ropes, shaking off the cobwebs from being laid out by the Holiday Hangover. As the din in the crucible grows, he raises his arm, face overcome with a cocky grin.--
John Michael White: Thomas DREAMER!
[/i][/right]John Michael White: Hey Mister Holiday!
--Aaron and his wench turn, grinning from ear to ear, pleased that they have won the day and shown up their opponents. And that's what this game is all about - making the other guy look bad. JMW waves his arm, his black-and-white striped sleeve wagging loose about his bicep. The bell rings.--
John Michael White: Guess what?
Aaron Holiday: What?
John Michael White: The winner of the match... as a result of a disqualification...
Aaron Holiday: What?!
John Michael White: And, by ruling of the referee, since the title was vacant, the NEW R.E.W. World Champion...
Aaron Holiday: WHAT?!
--Dreamer hauls himself up using the ropes, shaking off the cobwebs from being laid out by the Holiday Hangover. As the din in the crucible grows, he raises his arm, face overcome with a cocky grin.--
John Michael White: Thomas DREAMER!
--Coming back from the videotape, JMW flashes that devilish grin.--
John Michael White: It's so good to see such an upstanding, honest referee laying down the law... and it's someone who actually knows the law and is willing to call a spade a spade and a DQ a DQ. And no, I'm not talking about [beep]ing Dairy Queen!
Crowd: Hahahaha!
John Michael White: So there we had it, Dreamer was the new World Champion, thanks mostly to Holiday's own hubris, and the minor technicality that bashing people with baseball bats isn't really kosher in the regular wrestling environment. Then, despite just being allegedly robbed, which he really wasn't, and I wish Allyson would shut up about it... we had this...
[Holiday] "You sons of bitch's have no heart, no morals, no care for the world other than your plans. You're ruthless, deceitful, and no one can trust you....Friend or foe I'll face anyone in the ring and use what I've given to over come them....bottom line is this! I WANT IN! To hell with REW, to hell with playing on their main stage so these second rate hacks can have goals in life....We've not only ran empires we've built them! Without a doubt we're the best this place has to offer so why should we tire ourselves fighting each other? Dreamer...BROTHER, and GooD 'Ol Johnny what do you say? You guys don't need me and I DON'T need you but REW needs at least one of us.....and I'm all in!"
John Michael White: So Holiday wanted in the club like Posh always wanted in the Icelandic Phallalogical Museum. That's British English for 'penis'.
British English is also known as Proper English, The Queen's English and The Accurate Way Words Are Meant To Sound.
John Michael White: So after this there was a little war of words between Holiday and Dreamer and the match restarted, with Chase Evans taking over the refereeing duties and being no where near as good as the previous guy. Then some asshat accidentally blasted Dreamer in the face with a fireball, but we don't have a clip of that due to its graphic nature.
John Michael White: Hey Holiday!
Aaron: Geez, what now?
John Michael White: How's this for a burn?
--The lawyer throws his hands together, hurling a freaking fireball right at Holiday's face. Holiday just dodges the flare, but that fire has to go somewhere, and as lucky and narrative convenience would have it, that somewhere is straight into the face of Thomas Dreamer.--
Dreamer: AHHHH!
John Michael White: Oops.
Dreamer: AHHHHH!
John Michael White: My bad.
Aaron: Geez, what now?
John Michael White: How's this for a burn?
--The lawyer throws his hands together, hurling a freaking fireball right at Holiday's face. Holiday just dodges the flare, but that fire has to go somewhere, and as lucky and narrative convenience would have it, that somewhere is straight into the face of Thomas Dreamer.--
Dreamer: AHHHH!
John Michael White: Oops.
Dreamer: AHHHHH!
John Michael White: My bad.
--We return to the studio to see JMW glaring off-camera, eyes narrowed.--
John Michael White: I thought I told you to erase that tape, Bruce!
Voice: Uh, you're back on.
--JMW glances back onto the camera and his smile returns.--
John Michael White: Oh... Of course, Dreamer was in no condition to perform after that little mishap, but before Holiday could take full advantage, the proceedings were rather rudely interrupted.
Aaron stalks his victim like a vulture. He is just about to go for the cover when "Forever" by Drake hits the PA. (I know very cliche, whatcha gonna do?) The eyes of the fans shoot to the top of the ramp. Holiday simply grins when from the shadows step Chris York. Now sure York is a great veteran a multi-time champion. Even here in REW he was a World Champion the only man to be able to end the near six month reign of Blake Worship. However Holiday doesn't sweat York.
John Michael White: And the surprises were still coming...
But all that changes seconds after when Dozer steps through the curtain with his ever so infamous solid gold baseball bat. He pulls silver bat out from his pants and hands it to York who happily obliges. The two make their way to the ring with the fans going absolutely crazy. Holiday has completely been taken aback as if he forgot what is going on in the ring.
John Michael White: Oh [beep]. It's him! It's Dozer! The mighty, the wonderful, the superlative Dozer! The greatest thing since sliced bread, the Defender of the Faith, the Vicar of Christ, DOZER! He's so faaaaaabulous!
--JMW's voice squeaks higher and higher, till it can barely be heard. When it reaches almost dog-whistle levels, he stops. He puts his hands down, no longer flapping them about in gay abandon. His smile disappears. He looks about as thrilled as a dyslexic Englishman presented with a crossword puzzle.--
John Michael White: Dozer and York did what all returning heroes do - clean house. And when York was finishing having his way with a man who was coming to the end of his second violent match of the evening, he dumped Holiday onto Dreamer, letting Evans make the count. I'm surprised he managed to reach three, personally, but he did it, and Aaron [beep]ing Holiday was our new REW World Champion. But not for long...
Dozer grabs Evans by the shirt collar and begins yelling something to him we are unable to make it out tho. After Dozer release Evans reluctantly nods in agreement. With his bat Dozer lifts the arm of Holiday and places it upon the chest of Dreamer. Evans drops down and makes the count and the one two three. He quickly then scurries out of the ring over to ring announcer Katie Rain informing her what is going on.
||Katie Rain|| - The winner and NEW REW World Champion Aaron Holiday. However I've been informed Holiday will be defending the championship against Chris York now!
Chase Evans rolls back into the ring as the bell rings. York with a huge grin upon his face lifts Holiday's limp frame up in DDT position and plants his skull into the mat and locks in a grapevine front face lock. Obviously The Outlaw is in no shape to fight out and despite his better judgment Chase Evans calls for the bell and awards the match and the REW World Championship to Chris York.
||Katie Rain|| - The winner and NEW REW World Champion Chris York.
Dozer laughs as he walks across the backs of the three fallen ringers in order to pick his microphone back up.
||Dozer|| - Heh what a turn of events.
||Katie Rain|| - The winner and NEW REW World Champion Aaron Holiday. However I've been informed Holiday will be defending the championship against Chris York now!
Chase Evans rolls back into the ring as the bell rings. York with a huge grin upon his face lifts Holiday's limp frame up in DDT position and plants his skull into the mat and locks in a grapevine front face lock. Obviously The Outlaw is in no shape to fight out and despite his better judgment Chase Evans calls for the bell and awards the match and the REW World Championship to Chris York.
||Katie Rain|| - The winner and NEW REW World Champion Chris York.
Dozer laughs as he walks across the backs of the three fallen ringers in order to pick his microphone back up.
||Dozer|| - Heh what a turn of events.
John Michael White: Indeed, what a turn of events. Who would have thought Dozer would be involved in an obnoxious, senseless beat down?
The true meaning of OSBD...
John Michael White: Shenanigans were running wild this week at Stampede, and so far the administration hasn't seen fit to weigh on the controversy. I, for one, am shocked. But the reality of the situation is that Chris York left Stampede with the World Championship and a new Best Friend...
Crowd: Awww...
John Michael White: I know, isn't it sweet? So these two left, hand in hand, into an uninspiring sunset with a gold bat and a gold belt. Three other men in that main event left battered and bloody. Almost as if they had been stampeded over. Marketing department, you're welcome. Now, retribution, one can only imagine, will be coming in this vicious cycle we call the wrestling world.
--The lights change, the cameras switch and pan, and we are at the end of the show.--
John Michael White: Well that's it for today's show, join us tomorrow when our guest will be the philosophical Jacques Fureau! Now here it is, your moment of zen.
