Post by Sexpert on Mar 23, 2009 21:14:25 GMT -5
It is time to appreciate those who are better looking than you. It is time to admit that what you see in the mirror is reality, it is time to say, "hello" to yourself and not run away and pretend to live in a fantasy world. Most of all, it is time to admit that none of you will ever, EVER, be nearly as gorgeous, well toned and sexually appealing as the man known as Sexpert.
The time draws near.
The REW fans are falling asleep, drooling on themselves after another lackluster event, called Wrath. There are nearly no women left in the crowd for almost all of them came to see Sexpert and once they saw that he was not here and all they had to look at were these ugly sad excuses for wrestlers, they simply got up and left.
Alas, Sexpert has finally arrived.
All of a sudden the quietness is interrupted by jarring screams of both men and women moaning and of gentle velvety music playing in the background. Hot purple steam rises from around the stage and fills the entrance ramp as the fans awake from their sleep and watch on. The commentators too, wake up.
-[Simon Layfield]-: What? Whats happening? Wait...
-[Allyson Cowell]-: You're drooling on yourself. You were sleeping...man, is this boring event over? I cant believe I couldn't see that lovely Sexpert!
-[Simon Layfield]-: I feel ya...he is my first man love...he is just too lovely for words! Oh what has befallen him? Why has he not shown so I could profess my love to him!
-[Allyson Cowell]-: YOUR LOVE? Oh no you don't! I am professing my love to him first!
-[Simon Layfield]-: NO! NEVER!
The commentators begin a wild slapping contest as Sexpert enters through the smoke wearing a revealing outfit. He grabs a microphone and jumps into the ring.
-[Sexpert]-: REW. I call on you to admit it. You're ugly. Maybe not on the inside, but on the outside. Look at yourself...you'll never be as sexy as Sexpert. I mean, let us look at some of the faces here in the REW...
First, we have Demented.
Now I don't know about you, but this is a man wearing makeup. Horrid makeup. This shows something about this man...he is afraid...afraid of showing his true face to the world. I don't really have to go much farther then that...this man, this Demented is basically admitting to be ugly! And that he is, that he is indeed.
Next we have Johnny Corrigan.
Let me ask you, why would anyone in the modern century of wonders take a picture using a BLACK AND WHITE camera? I know and all of you know...it is to hide their own ugliness! They are not confident in how they look so they want their picture in black and white in hopes that this would distract the people from how ugly they are. Look at his huge nose and square jaw. Absolutely horrid looking this abomination. I apologize for inflicting it on you. Next please!
Next we have this fellow. I believe his name is money. No no, not Dolla Billa, I believe this one is actually NAMED Money. Now who would actually name themselves money? Why an insecure ugly big man that's who! Look at the rough, brute features of his face! His cheekbones are thick like those of a beast, not like those of a gorgeous man! And do you see the expression on his face? Why my loveliness, it looks like he is extremely constipated! I believe that his face is showing his true frustration with the way that he looks. This man realizes his ugliness, that is why he names himself money, after something valuable in order to distract others from who he is. Money indeed, but sir, you don't look to be worth any more than a penny in the looks department!
Next we have,
Ah yes. First of all, this person realizes how terribly ugly they are that they try to hide their face in its entirety to hide it's ugliness. However there is enough light for us to see just how unsightly this ghoul like, Fallen One is. Fallen One? I mean, what kind of name is that? It's even worse than Money! I am guessing that this fellow has decided to name himself Fallen One so that when people look at him and see how UGLY he is, they will think that he is only ugly because he fell and he fell on his face. That however is untrue, look at his nose! It looks like the beak of a beard and his hair looks like a broom! Honestly, one of the ugliest I've seen here in the REW...
Next,
Ah yes, another face hider. I am sorry Siarlis, but hiding your face won't help. I notice how you've managed to black out your face completely in most of your pictures and try to put the focus on your feet because you realize your feet are prettier than your face. But why do you picture your feet in boots? Simple because you realize your feet must be as ugly as your face. I, Sexpert, would have no trouble showing my bare feet because they are beautiful, they are perfect, sensual, they are an orgy for the eyes! Your feet however just like your face need to be hidden!
I believe that is enough of a sample for you to see, and enough terrors for today. For the rest of the REW looks just like these ugly men...that or worse! You see, there is no one here worthy of standing on a pedestal next to me because I am the ultimate in beauty and perfection and I realize that. Oh and I am sure my mere appeareance has already boosted this shows ratings by at least 4 points because people can't resist the sexual pull that they have towards someone as perfect and luscious as me, for I am, Sexpert!
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With that, Sexpert turns the big screen off and poses for the crowd as they scream in ecstasy over the mere sight of his beautiful body and gorgeous face.
-[Allyson Cowell]-: Please Sexpert, be mine!
-[Simon Layfield]-: NO! Mine, you have to be mine!
Even the commentary fights for him, but he blows them all off. Sexpert is too beautiful for them. He has better things to do, better places to be...
Poor REW, you never knew how ugly you were until today...
