Post by jonnycorrigan on Dec 25, 2008 0:30:27 GMT -5
I never beheld anything that shone with such brilliance before. Everything in my life has always been so gray and lifeless. I’ve never really had much of anything in my life that was synonymous with importance, and the things that were are either dead or gone.
Dyce and I looked at each other and then looked down at our titles, and the gold that was stitched to the leather created an orange glow permeating the color on my face. When I thought about winning this thing and strapping it over my shoulder… long before I even stepped into the arena… I didn’t think I would care that it was there. That it would just be this fucking object that didn’t matter because its definition is not synonymous with my identity. But for some reason that I couldn’t decipher, as I held the warm title in my arms that looked up at me like a well-fed baby, I felt the rare feeling of happiness.
“Holy crap, man,” Dyce said as his heart jumped into his chest again and again, “We’re… we’re champions.” And he said this as if he’d been waiting for this moment since birth. He came close and embraced me in a bear-like hug, and a grunt was squeezed out of me as he laughed excitedly.
“I know man,” I said as I nudged him away with my palms, “It feels… awesome.” I nodded and allowed a smile to stretch across my face.
He flicked his hand against my chest, “We should celebrate,” he said, “On me. We’ll hit the bar, have some drinks, meet some women, you know, guy’s night.”
And then I felt the smile drift off my face and blow away in the wind. I bit down on my lip and clenched my fists and flexed my eyebrows the way I do when I can’t stand somebody. But it wasn’t that. It wasn’t that I hated Dyce…
“You need to understand something, Dyce,” I pointed my finger at him and adjusted my new title on my shoulder. His wide friendly smile suddenly disappeared, and I felt a little bad because I felt like I killed his buzz… but… “I know we just accomplished something that you’ve been looking forward to. I realize that you’re an average joe who just wants to go and pound some beers and celebrate. I get it, Dyce. I do.”
A silence hovered between us and I tried not to feel awkward about it. “But I’m not like anybody else you are going to meet here, Dyce. I haven’t been here very long Dyce, but I’ve been here longer than you. And I can understand your reaction… because every guy you see here does the same thing after shows. They all go to the bar and grab a drink or they go to the hotel and recover or the gym to get stronger, but I don’t, Dyce. I don’t.” My eyes were piercing and I could almost see through to the other side of Dyce. “Because the truth is I don’t know what I am going to do after every show. I don’t know where I’m going to stay. Who I’m going to meet. I’m used to living in a place where simply breathing is a risk. Where dead bodies buried in garbage cans is no fucking surprise. And living in a place like that I’ve acquired some qualities that you might not like as tag team champion, Dyce.” And I looked at him for a moment without the involvement of words. His face was set in stone, a slight frown reflecting through his emotions and it made me feel a little bad but I would have felt worse in keeping the truth from him.
“And Dyce, I hope you don’t go back to the locker room and bawl your eyes out because behind what I say bares a reason. Because I think you’re an okay dude, Dyce,” I gave him that much, and I gestured my hand towards him as if I were rolling a tennis ball into the air. “You’re a good tag partner. So I’m not just going to sit here and pretend my identity as a fuck-up doesn’t apply, because it does. And I just need you to know that I’m not always going to be conventional. Sometimes you might not like me very much, Dyce. Sometimes I’m an asshole…”
And then I let my fingers relax and I held out my hand and glared at Dyce, waiting for him to react. He adjusted his title on his shoulder, reached out and clenched my hand and shook it firmly.
“That’s just who I am...”
And then I took my hand back. I looked at him and nodded as he stood there in silence but with a look on his face that assured me he understood to some degree. I walked around him and paced aimlessly into the distance. I didn’t have any place to go.
But I never fucking wanted one.
Dyce and I looked at each other and then looked down at our titles, and the gold that was stitched to the leather created an orange glow permeating the color on my face. When I thought about winning this thing and strapping it over my shoulder… long before I even stepped into the arena… I didn’t think I would care that it was there. That it would just be this fucking object that didn’t matter because its definition is not synonymous with my identity. But for some reason that I couldn’t decipher, as I held the warm title in my arms that looked up at me like a well-fed baby, I felt the rare feeling of happiness.
“Holy crap, man,” Dyce said as his heart jumped into his chest again and again, “We’re… we’re champions.” And he said this as if he’d been waiting for this moment since birth. He came close and embraced me in a bear-like hug, and a grunt was squeezed out of me as he laughed excitedly.
“I know man,” I said as I nudged him away with my palms, “It feels… awesome.” I nodded and allowed a smile to stretch across my face.
He flicked his hand against my chest, “We should celebrate,” he said, “On me. We’ll hit the bar, have some drinks, meet some women, you know, guy’s night.”
And then I felt the smile drift off my face and blow away in the wind. I bit down on my lip and clenched my fists and flexed my eyebrows the way I do when I can’t stand somebody. But it wasn’t that. It wasn’t that I hated Dyce…
“You need to understand something, Dyce,” I pointed my finger at him and adjusted my new title on my shoulder. His wide friendly smile suddenly disappeared, and I felt a little bad because I felt like I killed his buzz… but… “I know we just accomplished something that you’ve been looking forward to. I realize that you’re an average joe who just wants to go and pound some beers and celebrate. I get it, Dyce. I do.”
A silence hovered between us and I tried not to feel awkward about it. “But I’m not like anybody else you are going to meet here, Dyce. I haven’t been here very long Dyce, but I’ve been here longer than you. And I can understand your reaction… because every guy you see here does the same thing after shows. They all go to the bar and grab a drink or they go to the hotel and recover or the gym to get stronger, but I don’t, Dyce. I don’t.” My eyes were piercing and I could almost see through to the other side of Dyce. “Because the truth is I don’t know what I am going to do after every show. I don’t know where I’m going to stay. Who I’m going to meet. I’m used to living in a place where simply breathing is a risk. Where dead bodies buried in garbage cans is no fucking surprise. And living in a place like that I’ve acquired some qualities that you might not like as tag team champion, Dyce.” And I looked at him for a moment without the involvement of words. His face was set in stone, a slight frown reflecting through his emotions and it made me feel a little bad but I would have felt worse in keeping the truth from him.
“And Dyce, I hope you don’t go back to the locker room and bawl your eyes out because behind what I say bares a reason. Because I think you’re an okay dude, Dyce,” I gave him that much, and I gestured my hand towards him as if I were rolling a tennis ball into the air. “You’re a good tag partner. So I’m not just going to sit here and pretend my identity as a fuck-up doesn’t apply, because it does. And I just need you to know that I’m not always going to be conventional. Sometimes you might not like me very much, Dyce. Sometimes I’m an asshole…”
And then I let my fingers relax and I held out my hand and glared at Dyce, waiting for him to react. He adjusted his title on his shoulder, reached out and clenched my hand and shook it firmly.
“That’s just who I am...”
And then I took my hand back. I looked at him and nodded as he stood there in silence but with a look on his face that assured me he understood to some degree. I walked around him and paced aimlessly into the distance. I didn’t have any place to go.
But I never fucking wanted one.
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